The only certainty is bad grammar

TMZ is seriously getting about 30,000 more clicks from me this week. I do not understand what defect I was born with that makes me give two craps about Tiger Woods’ car accident, but OMG, DID YOU HEAR THIS VOICEMAIL?

Tiger is supposedly calling his mistress all ‘Umm, ya, my wife found my phone records. Can you take your name off your voicemail so she doesn’t find out about us?”

Uh! TIGER!! Have these conversations in person. In some sort of body of water. Where nobody can wear a wire.

DO YOU NOT WATCH DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES??

Dude has so much to learn.

Moving on. I need a new sports bra.

The girls are flying all over the Jazzercise studio during that “Crazy Chick” song, and I swear that’s why the instructor always looks at me when explaining how to do the low impact moves, which don’t involve jumping.

I want to jump. I want to burn calories and lose 17 more pounds. I want to be FLAT.

I even went to Victoria’s Secret ready to shell out a week’s pay for what I needed, but the master of all things boob (can youth leaders say ‘boob?) let me down – they only carry sports bras online.

Who orders a sports bra ONLINE? How the heck could you possible know if it holds appropriate things in appropriate places? I need to test things like that folks.

I’d hoped that as I lost weight umm, things would get smaller, and I wouldn’t need as much support. Alas, even smaller things still need support.

Suggestions on this welcome folks, but only if you’re at least a C cup. If you’re smaller, you live in a fantasy world likely filled with tank tops and strapless dresses and could never understand my problems.

Speaking of smaller things, I’m REALLY EXCITED about how much weight I’ve lost.

Sometimes I feel like I’m bragging by talking about it, but whatever dude. And even though the doctors say the official total is 38 pounds since Aug. 1, I swear it’s actually 40 depending of the time of day I weight myself and whether I’ve worked out in the last two hours.

And 40 pounds is so much weight! (note: I tried to google things that weigh 40 pounds so I could impress you by saying things like ‘DID YOU KNOW A BLABATY BLAH WEIGHS AS MUCH AS I’VE LOST?? But I couldn’t come up with anything).

I teeter back and forth between wanting people to notice and feeling embarrassed when they do, but I decided that really, I just want people to notice. I want them to be all “Holy crap! You look great! And you’ve lost so much weight that I can hardly see you!”

Is that asking too much?

It’s hard to lose weight. Really hard. And you can bet your bottom dollar that if you’re noticing how my pants are too big, at that exact same moment I thinking about losing three more pounds in the next 10 days, so you might as well bring it up.

Now, excuse me while I got to bed at 8:30 so I can make it to the 5:15 Jazzercise tomorrow – I’ve got three pounds to lose by as soon as possible.