April 2008 – Page 8 – The only certainty is bad grammar

vegan motzerella sucks

April 12, 2008 Crystal anti-meat, medium

well, I guess it’s official. I’ll never eat cheese pizza again for the rest of my stupid lame vegan life.

I bought some vegan ‘motzerella’ cheese and some vegan pizza crust and some vegan pizza sauce (although, I’m not sure there’s such a thing as non-vegan pizza sauce, but whatever) and i mixed it all together, put it in the oven at 450 degrees for 10 min and waited.

but the cheese “cheese” didn’t melt. at. all. and it kind of just looked like pieces of white plastic on top of the pizza. and i did bring my self to take one bite. but then that bite was AWFUL, so i threw the entire thing in the garbage.

and ate a humus sandwich with tomatoes on organic bread. with organic pretzels. and water.

maybe i’ll get to eat some cheese pizza in heaven. or my next life — depending on which religion turns out to be right.

UPDATE: I totally saw johnny depp (ish)

April 12, 2008 Crystal im cool, short, wisconsin

$he\'s the one in the green coat with the white har through the door.$

Ok, Ok, so here’s the picture I took of Micheal Mann with my camera phone. I swear to you I was WAY closer than this, but I had to take the pic from kind of far away so I could avoid being arrested. You understand.

He’s the one in the green coat. with the white hair. through the door. the shoulder is that of one of my gawker friends hiding me while i took the picture.

I totally saw johnny depp (ish)

April 12, 2008 Crystal im cool, Johnny Depp, long, wisconsin

So i think people totally underestimate my stalking abilities. seriously.

and that’s a shame, because I’m really good at stalking.

you see, Johnny Depp is kind of filming a major motion picture (do they still call movies that?) at an airport like one mile from my house. ok, maybe two miles. but two miles is still REALLY close. The movie is called “public enemies” and it’s a 1930s-era gangster flick (ya, ‘flick,’ that’s what they call movies now).

Since i’m in love with Johnny (that’s right, we’re on a FIRST-name basis), I figured I should go say hi and all.

Actually, what happened was, I got off work and thought I’d just go by the airport they were rumored to be filiming at and see if anything was going on. and because God DOES love me (hi God!), stuff was totally going on.

and ya, johnny depp wasn’t there yet, but I had faith.

The first rule of gawking (or as i like to call it, ‘hanging out at a random airport just because’) is to tell EVERYONE you meet that you know someone, who knows someone who knows SOMETHING.

It doesn’t have to be a real ‘something.’ It can be ANYTHING. For example, if you tell someone that you KNOW, with 100-percent certainty, that Johnny Depp only chews peppermint gum, they’ll totally let you use their umbrella.

OR, if you tell someone that Johnny Depp is staying in town, they’ll totally show you the super cool pictures they took with their 14-foot camera lens.

Oh! AND! if you tell someone that you know someone who’s an extra, they’ll give their house. true story. (ish).

I made some quick friends. One, I’m a pretty good at saying things i don’t really know about with an air of authority. Two, everyone was just SO EXCITED about johnny coming, that they didn’t seem to notice that they didn’t actually know me. and Three, i just look like a nice girl.

all this helped me get to the VERY FRONT of the fence we couldn’t cross.

the second rule of gawking is to bring binoculars. i didn’t know this rule, but a girl in a red coat standing next to me totally did. and since she had just become my new best friend, she totally let me borrow them!

and THEN!