short – Page 44 – The only certainty is bad grammar

10 ingredients or less please

March 1, 2008 Crystal anti-meat, short

So trips to the grocery store are taking longer as a vegan.

I usually clog up the aisles saying “sorry. opps. sorry. sorry, i just want to look at THIS box right… here….. sorry. ok. thanks.”

and then i do three basic scans of the ingredients. first looking for milk, or eggs or butter. then a second scan where i read. each. ingredient. alone. and figure out what it means. and if the item gets past those tests, i read it all one. more. time. just to make sure. and then, about nine times out of ten i have to put the item back on the shelf.

and then the clerk asks if there’s any thing he can help me find.

‘do you guys carry soy ice cream?’

‘no, that’s really more of a specialty item. we have soy milk though.’

(note to clerks, that’s NOT the same thing. if you asked for strawberry ice cream and the clerk told you the store didn’t have it but the next aisle over there was some milk, would you be all OH! ok. great! thanks!)

‘oh, ok thanks,’ i tell the clerk.

and then i cry a little on the inside. just a little.

bein vegan is hard.

i saw the light

March 1, 2008 Crystal short

i just want to take a second to remind everyone to TURN OFF their brights when they’re passing someone. say on a two-lane highway. in illinois. called Route 2.

that’s all.

*this public service announcement was paid for by the council to eliminate blindness, roadkill and car accidents. for more information on CEBIKCA call 1-800-dim-lite.

my two scents

February 27, 2008 Crystal short, snow sucks

ok. ok. i’ve been complaining about the weather foreva! and it’s finally warming up (and by warming up i mean 27 degrees) so i should be happy.

BUT there’s a little byproduct of the hotter temperatures — my car kind of smells. and i KNEW that not cleaning the outside for the past 17 months would result in a permant layer of gray salt, but i forgot that not cleaning the INSIDE would result in hidden smells.

and the cold temperatures apparently fooled me into thinking that all the garbage in my car was fragrance-free. ahhh. but it’s not. it’s so not. and i NEED to clean it out. but now it’s that weird time of year when it’s warm enough to make old food smell, but cold enough that i don’t want to take the time to futz around in my little green escourt (with many hard-to-reach sections) looking for whatever is causing the problem.

and i know all you people are going to think im gross now. but I swear im not. im just adverse to the cold. really. swear. as soon as oshkosh sees a 40 35-degree day, i’ll dig around and find out the root all smells. swear.